Life
doesn't work that way; neither does Program. In fact, working Program can
cause some pain. Fortunately, it's temporary.
The
Program is, among other things, a spiritual discipline that requires
self-honesty and self-searching.
Generally
speaking, we arrive at a 12 Step Program telling ourselves and others all
sorts of lies and half-truths; self-honesty must be learned, and it's
anything but fun facing hard truths about ourselves.
For
example, I'd always thought of myself as a nice person who told the truth.
Hah!
When
I got sober I had to face the fact that nice people don't lie and con the
way I did, no matter how politely I'd done it. I also had to look closely
at my unwillingness to take responsibility for many of my actions... you
know, it was always 'circumstances' or 'someone else's fault.'
It
hurt to see that about myself... I didn't like what I saw, but I was also
able to understand that much of my drinking and using had been about not
liking myself.
My
sponsor told me to 'stand still and hurt.' I was outraged, but, by the
grace of the God of my understanding I also didn't want to drink or use
again, so I did just that.
I
kept going to meetings, often crying at the tables. I kept working the
Steps and gradually I began to accept who I was and what I had done.
Out
of that acceptance change began to take place... sometimes the change came
almost automatically; sometimes I had to work at it, correcting both
thought and action... but the result was, and is, an ease with myself
today. I know who I am, with my faults, and my talents as well.
Today,
life isn't totally pain free, but there is much more happiness, joy
and freedom than I would have ever thought possible.
Love, peace and
abundance,
