Self-Honesty
Step 9 – Made direct amends to such people
wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Addiction is a tricky
concept and it's not easy to recognize and accept. It requires a whole
bunch of self-honesty, which is not easy to do. Those of us in recovery
often tell stories on ourselves about how truly clever we became at hiding
the truth from ourselves.
For example, toward the
end of my drinking, I'd discovered enough about alcoholism to know that
alcoholics rarely failed to finish a drink once they had one in their
hands. So, maybe once a month, I would deliberately have three drinks, and
I would leave half of the third one and go home. My 'logic' was that I
couldn't be a 'real' alcoholic if I didn't finish that third drink. That
worked for a while, but not forever.
The still small voice
So how does one become
honest enough to recognize and accept an addiction?
A major piece to this
puzzle is to start listening to what I call the quiet voice inside. Others
call it the 'still, small voice.' You know what I mean; it's that moment
of doubt that flashes through your mind when you're about to repeat an
action you know from experience doesn't work well for you.
It may help to allow
yourself to notice what you feel most guilty about. This can be tricky for
women because we tend to take blame for so much. You can, however, look
more deeply within and see if something else is going on, perhaps a habit
that is driving the behavior that causes the guilt.
Sometimes it's a matter
of "swearing off" the behavior or substance for a period of say
30, 60 or 90 days and noticing exactly what happens. If you're successful
with your vow AND comfortable, you may not have a true addiction. On the
other hand, if you 'forget' your vow, or find reasons not to complete it,
the issue needs further examination.
Promises to self
Another way to get at
this hidden information is to see what promises you've made to yourself or
others. Have you kept them, or not? If you haven't, look at the issue
deeply. If you have, and you've resented every minute of it, look more
deeply. Of course, if it's been an easy promise to keep, congratulate
yourself and move on.
Finally, ask a truly
close friend about the issue and see what they say, or what they don't. If
you have someone you can trust to tell you the truth, you're lucky and you
should pay attention. But often even our friends hesitate to offend us
with the bald truth. When this happens, you'll probably notice their
hesitation or evasion. Don't press them. Instead, consider what this might
really mean for you.
Ultimately, each one of
us is responsible for our actions, and if we are addicted to a substance
or behavior, it's up to us to ferret out that self-knowledge and take
self-supporting action on our own behalf.
Love, peace and
abundance,
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