Practicing Faith
Faith doesn't mean everything is perfect
We're supposed to
have faith, right? You know, to really really believe and trust that
the God of our understanding is in charge of our lives.
I find this
terribly difficult to do - more often than I like to admit.
Or maybe
I'm just too hard on myself. Somehow I have this idea that if I
truly had enough faith I would never experience fear or
discouragement or be
angry in traffic. There's a certain hubris or
false pride in this sort of demand for perfection.
This has all come up in
my life because I'm finally facing my money issues through Debtors
Anonymous. It's amazing to me that I've been clean and sober for so long
and yet have, until recently, not turned the whole issue of earning a
living, paying bills, making money over to God.
A mature faith?
Another way to frame it
is I've never grown up in this area, never taken full responsibility, but
have muddled along. Sure, I can trace many of my beliefs and subsequent
actions and inactions to early childhood... I've known that for years.
What I haven't known is what to do about it.
My lack of understanding
in the area of earning, spending and debting amazes many of my AA and NA
friends; a surprising number, however, identify, which is a relief.
The long and the short of
it for me right now is I'm a beginner at turning my earning, spending and
debting over to God and living from that place. Fortunately the 12 Steps
work in this area too. So I'm plugging away, working the Steps again,
including the 4th, from this perspective and with people who have gone
before me on this path.
Notice the progress
And I'm making progress.
But I also wake up with fear, impending doom and seeming lack of faith,
because I'm new at practicing the program and trusting God in this area.
I do, however, have total
faith that the Program works and that as I keep practicing I'll get better
at it. My fear has eased some, and I recognize more of what I need to do.
My faith is deepening, just as we're promised it will.
Love, peace and
abundance,
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