Eliminating Limiting Beliefs in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 Step groups.


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Responsible For... or Responsible To?   

There's a big difference

Recently I was talking with a women I think should be in Al-Anon. Mary (not her real name of course) is in her mid-30s and engaged to a man who was sober about four months. He's drunk again, not working and she's feeling like she's responsible for him. She's even considering paying his rent this month! 

It's my contention that she's scrambled the difference between being responsible for between being responsible for someone and being responsible to them.

Parents are responsible for their young children. Babies and little kids need to be taken care of in every sense. But as the child grows, she will begin to take care of herself. When your responsible for someone, you are taking care of them. Mary is trying to be responsible for her man and it isn't working.

Ideally, when someone becomes an adult they are truly responsible for themselves. Part of that responsibility is understanding the need to be responsible to other adults.

When I'm responsible to...

When I'm acting in a way I'm responsible to you, I owe you the truth. If we have an agreement, like meeting for coffee or something as big as a business deal, I need to keep my agreements with you unless we agree to change them or something happens that makes it impossible.  If I make a mistake, break the agreement somehow, I owe you a sincere apology, owning my part of the breach.

If Mary pays her guy's rent, she's actually treating him like a baby... she's being responsible for him. She's dis-empowering him, or enabling him.

Refusing to pay his rent would be the responsible action because it puts him in the position of having to take responsibility for himself. Telling him truthfully, when he's sober, how his drinking makes her feel would be being responsible to him.

What would the world be like if we all started to be responsible to rather than responsible for other adults?

Love, peace and abundance,

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