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Having a sponsor gives newcomers someone to talk with – someone who hopefully is well grounded in the Steps.
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Being a sponsor gives someone with time the chance to reach out to another in a real and practical way.
But a sponsor
doesn't have all the answers; a sponsor can't keep someone sober. All a
sponsor can really do is set an example and make suggestions. I learned this because I almost
got drunk when one of my babies wouldn't do a 4th Step. Talk about
arrogance on my part! She fired me and I was devastated. My (male) sponsor
rather forcefully suggested that I'd been trying to run her life and had a
ton of unmet expectations. I recognized, reluctantly, that almost getting
drunk over sponsoring someone probably wasn't what 'reaching out' was all
about. I stopped sponsoring until I'd done some more inventory.
And yes, early on I had a
male sponsor. The truth was I was afraid of women and hadn't a clue how to
relate to them. Under Larry's guidance I worked the Steps and at his
suggestion went to one woman's meeting a week until I was able to identify
my fear and let it go. But more than one person told me, I was going to
get drunk just because I had a sponsor of the opposite sex. This sort of
knee-jerk statement still infuriates me – and comments like this can do
real damage.
When Larry left the area,
I did get a women sponsor and for a long time she was a real help. There
came a time, however, when I began to explore the world beyond the AA and
NA meeting rooms. Janie was so afraid for me that she discouraged my
explorations at every turn. Finally I fired her and we both felt better.
Sponsorship works
Does this mean I think
sponsorship is a bad idea? Not at all! And the cautions against opposite
sex sponsorship are worth considering. But sponsorship is not a lifetime
contract. At it's best it's an every deepening friendship, based on mutual
honesty and self-revelation, allowing both parties to grow from their own
experience, strength and hope. When it's less than that, the relationship
needs to be changed.
