We talked about it for awhile.
I pointed out that although they might not understand in detail they
certainly knew that she had been 'sick' often. I also wondered out loud
how she was going to explain her absence from home when she went to
meetings. She didn't think it would be I problem.
In truth, however, I think
she's making a big mistake - for several reasons.
Kids already know something
Perhaps the most important is
the fact that, by not telling her kids what's happening, she's not telling
the whole truth. She's still in denial - this time about what her kids
know and how they might feel about it.
Children are incredible. They
sense at a deep level what's going on around them right from the
beginning, even before they have words. And a family with a
practicing alcoholic/addict is a sick family with plenty of chaos for the
child to feel.
It's surprising how often even
very young people know more than you suspect. It's not at all unusual for
children as young as four or five to draw a picture of a bottle or drug paraphernalia
when asked to draw the cause of the chaos and disharmony in the family.
They may not have the vocabulary to say alcoholism or drug addiction, but
they do know what the problem is.
When the alcoholic/addict
begins to recover, the family dynamics change again. Now, however, the
change is a positive one, but that doesn't mean the kids will
automatically heal from what has gone before.
It's widely known that children
tend to blame themselves for problems in the family. From the child's
point of view, mom is sick less often, but now leaving home for an unknown
reason (to meetings). The child is likely to decide again that they've
somehow displeased mom.
The truth works
On the other hand, if mom would
simply say something like, "you know, I've been quite sick... which
isn't your fault and now I'm going to these meetings to help me get well.
I'll miss you, but I want you to know that the meetings help me," the
child has a way to begin to understand what is happening.
The stage is set for future
honest communications which is the beginning of healing for the whole
family.
Love, peace and
abundance,
